I had awoken in darkness. To a voice I didn’t recognize, yet somehow seemed so familiar. Something in the cadence brought back a memory that danced just at the edge of awareness.
“Ah, you’re finally waking. Good. You’re most likely feeling a little lost right now. A little uncertain of where you are perhaps?” The voice said rather matter-of-factly.
“That’s quite the understatement”, I mumbled rather warily. Still feeling as though a blanket of fog hung about me. My thoughts heavy and clouded.
Is there no door, no window, no light source at all? Not the slightest shred of light could be seen. Had I been blinded? I felt as if I’d been dropped into a bottomless void. Yet nothing felt vast about this space. This, whatever this was, wherever this was, felt more enclosed. Movement close about me and yet nothing I could see or feel distinctly enough to convince myself it wasn’t my imagination only.
A cacophony of voices then met my ears. Laughter. So many voices. Some giving a light chuckle. Others giving more of a boisterous guffaw.
“Your kind, you can be quite quaint in your rumination. The many directions the human mind can turn over the same thought, the same idea. And come away with what seems to be a plethora of ways to interpret one situation. Fascinating, really,” the voice said, a playful undertone woven so intricately within the words spoken I felt my body begin to relax. What a strange effect the voice had on me.
Then another realization struck. Were they spoken? Had I heard an audible voice? Or were they….in my mind?
Another burst of laughter and my unseen companion interjected yet again.
“You have not been blinded, young one. You have not been abandoned within the deepest caverns. We have merely forced you to turn inward. And that is the precise reason you are so unsure.”
“We?” I asked, afraid of what the answer would reveal.
“Yes, We. There are many of us about you now. I’m sure you can feel us” the voice whispered, almost delicate and web-like I could feel the words fall around me. Though I could still see nothing.
“How many of you are there? You said you forced me to turn inward. What does that mean? I don’t…I don’t understand.”
Curiosity and panic were waring within me. Who were they? Why were they so intent upon me hearing them? Why now, of all times? If they were intent upon hurting me, they’ve had ample opportunity.
“You have many questions, young one. We deem it necessary to answer only to the level your understanding requires. Past that, you must search and find the answers yourself. We have been referred to by many names, we’ve worn many titles. Each association centered within each title is correct….and yet incorrect. At least to the rather base human understanding of each mortal-given title. However, they are rather useful titles.”
The words were a physical thing, sliding like silken webs. Weaving around me. Gently, yet if I were to move suddenly would they constrict?
The voice continued. “To assist you with having a more clear understanding of who we are…and what we are, I will give you the most common name with which we have been bequeathed. We are legion.”
A cold dread coiled within me. Legion. I had only heard that word in reference to…to demons. A host of them, as legion implies. But, I hadn’t given invitation. Not that I recalled. I’d always heard they had to be invited in before they could enter a host.
“You didn’t have to”, the voice spoke in what seemed to be an automatic response to my thought, the words pointed and sharp.
“Yes, we can hear your thoughts. We are within you, after all. All of us. You might say we are partially made up of your thoughts. We exist because of and in spite of those same thoughts.”
“What…exactly did you mean when you said I didn’t have to invite you? Are you implying I had no choice? No option, nothing I could have chosen differently??” My voice shook but I held firm. I couldn’t allow them to hear my fear, my uncertainty. Although I knew now they could feel my fear, they could read the uncertainty in every thought pattern. With them, there was no need for words. No hiding. The very energy of a thought forming was known before the need to bring it forth.
They knew me. Even better than I knew myself, so it seemed. They were a part of me. How had I not seen them? Not felt them?
“You didn’t have to invite us, young one, because we were already here. In your bloodline. Passed down. Like a blood curse one doesn’t realize they’re carrying until it’s too late. And then the infection propagates. A dark lineage carried on from one generation to the next.” The voice hissed. “By the time our host realizes we are here, it is too late. Their life is too far spent to struggle against the chains they’ve been ensnared by.”
I felt it then. Like a slow toxin I’d no idea I’d ingested. Was I powerless to stop it, or could I fight back?
“Then why force me to turn inward? Why force me to hear you? Why awaken me to your presence?” I spat angrily. The silken webs constricting slightly from my sudden outburst.
“We have been passed down for so long, generation after generation. No fight. Not even a hint of realization to what we truly are. The destruction we cause in the lives of all that inherit our kind. We thought it might be time. We haven’t seen battle in what I imagine is eons now. What with the heights to which modern humanity seems to imagine itself attained, we thought it might be fun to play a little game.” The voice toyed with the words as they fell, ever so perfectly enclosing me.
“What do you want from me?” I whispered, knowing my words didn’t have to be spoken before they were understood.
“What we initially wanted was your children. And we may still have them yet….if you can’t face us.”the voice threatened. A promise explicit in every syllable.
Not my children. I could bear being the host if it meant my children were spared.
“You have no choice in that” the voice countered. “That is not how this game is played. You must face us. Each, one by one. Can you face us? Are you capable of the strength that would require? Or are you now so accustomed to the darkness we provide that you would feel a loss without us? After all, you haven’t truly known a moment of life without our presence. ”
The voice was right. In that regard at least. I’d never known a moment in my waking life where they hadn’t been present with me. Watching from the shadows just behind my eyes. Hidden, yet so close to the surface.
So many before me had failed to face them. For how long I could not tell. From the number I could feel gathered about me, it was as though the weight of centuries had settled upon my shoulders. Each person before me who had failed to take action. And now, it was my turn to step forward. Would I do battle? Or would I break beneath that weight?
Would I fail?
Could I somehow spare my children from facing the same demons I now face? The very demons those who came before had failed to face time and time again?
I know they are here now. Within me. Aware of every thought. Have I shaped this life, these thoughts? Or have they been shaped for me?
I know not all of the demons I carry are truly mine alone. Some come from those before. Unable to carry the weight. And, by inheritance, now mine to own.
How does one protect and shield from the broken parts of themselves? The shadows never brought to light? The darkness hidden? The darker parts of our humanity locked away and never truly faced.
And if not faced, do these shadows morph into one more demon to add to the horde?
I still had so many questions.
I could feel them stepping back. Regaining their protected spaces in my shadowed corners. They were releasing me. They had cast the gauntlet.
And now, would I accept their challenge?
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